Well, it's about that time again... time to possibly add another little one to the Maestas family!! :o) This is not something I've shared with many people, and probably won't until I absolutely have to. Not everyone supports the idea of having many children and while I was pregnant with Elise I had comments made, by friends and family, that were a bit hurtful. Not horrible things, but the like.. "well, maybe you should stop having kids" (because I was tired). Oh the shock.. to be tired while pregnant with 5 little ones to take care of! If you have 2 or 3 and get tired, it's normal, and accepted and totally understandable, but once you have 5 or 6.. well, I can't say anything "because I did it to myself". So, I learned to keep my mouth shut around most people. In fact that probably didn't help things very much. I tend to have a bad habit of complaining, but what people don't know, is I am not really complaining. I say what's on my mind a lot and sometimes it might sound like complaining, but I am just being sarcastic or just trying to be funny. I've learned to stop doing that too.
Honestly, in a perfect world where children were considered blessings instead of burdens, I'd announce that I am pregnant with #7 (at this point, I am not...) and everyone would be happy for us! People would enourage it, especially when I am feeling unsure about doing it at all, instead of trying to talk me out of it.
So what got us to this point? Six children and wanting more?
Well..... we had 2 girls and wanted a boy. Then we had a 3rd... and a 4th girl... THEN Matthew was born. So, after Matthew we thought we could be done.. but it'd be nice if he had a brother. Elise was the result of that! Oh, how we love her!
I was SURE I wanted another one but Steven was even more sure that he didn't! I was sad about that, but I prayed the same prayer as before, that God would change one of our hearts. Up until that point, God always changed Steven's heart. This time though, I thought for sure it was mine that would change.
Six was enough.
Things got hard. Steven took a 3rd job that kept him from home all the time and literally kept me stuck in the house. So much good from it came though. I realized that stuff had to change. I've read a lot and listened to sermons and talked to a good friend of mine (this is still ongoing) and started to see things fall into place. We're nowhere close to where we need to be, but so much closer than before!! Through all this I was sure I didn't want more kids, though. :)
Then Steven said something. What was it again... something like, "well next time we better get a boy."
Next time?
Uh-oh.. a little flicker of hope ignited in my heart....
Then he said something else and a few days another hint. If I'd confront him about it, he'd deny he wanted more.
Around this time I started studying what the Bible says about having babies and my whole thought process began to change. I'll save that for another post, though.
On April fools day I faked a pregnancy. Well, I made the test look positive and let him believe it for about 12 hrs. (about midnight - noon, so he was asleep most of that time). I thought, "he doesn't want more, what will it hurt... he'll be relieved when I say 'April Fools'!" Well.... he was very upset with me!! He happened to be very excited about the idea of another son or daughter and was looking forward to it! When he realized it wasn't real he felt like he had lost a part of our family.
So... it began there, he started really wanting more... and so did I.
I am still nervous. I know I want more children, I am just tired. Steven has never wanted more kids more than I do, so it's weird. I go back and forth all the time. I LOVE the kids so much and I have more love to give, so I am excited to share it with a new baby... It'll be interesting to see what the next couple months bring us. Will God bless us with another little arrow? I really hope so. Not sure if I can put a request in or not, but another little boy would be nice. :) I'll keep you updated, even if the rest of the world is out of the loop.....
I have six days before I should even bother to test and I've already tested twice, haha :). It's a good thing I buy my tests so cheap! I'm really hoping I know something before Sunday, a belated Father's Day surprise would be better than none :).
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. I'm tired too, more so this time than I ever have been before. At this point I usually have had a couple of months worth of decent sleep before a baby is even a possibility but this time I haven't slept through the night in over a year and Emmi has only slept through the night twice. But when I look beyond my physical circumstances and think of a new little life, of Emmi as a big sister, newborn snuggles, toddler giggles, another gift from the Lord that I can potentially carry into eternity with me, I just get excited :). I do with I was a bit more rested and that I had accomplished a bit more in the last year but I'll likely have decades to catch up after my children are grown and I won't always have the ability to have another baby.