To put it simple enough.. my heart is broken for my best friend in the whole world.
At 12 weeks Becca started bleeding heavily and passed out. She went to the emergency room to find that her precious little baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat.
Then as if that wasn't hard enough, Becca continued to hemorrage. To the point of continuing to pass out. After the baby had passed the Drs found a huge fibroid in her uterus. The size of an orange. At this point there is no way to tell if that is what caused the miscarriage.. there is no way to tell if this will affect future pregnancies.
Becca is doing okay now, but she did end up having to have a blood transfusion. Her hemoglobin levels were very low.
She is my best friend... she's more than a best friend.. she's a sister. You don't even know how worried and concerned I have been for her. She is on my heart and mind constantly. I have so many questions, but I haven't talked to her. She is going through way too much to even talk. :( Her body physically is too weak for her to even grieve like she needs to.
This is a loss on so many levels. Not only did they lose their first child, but I also lost my best friends first baby. Their baby was my baby too... that might sound weird, but she has been there for me for every one of my children.. she's been a HUGE part of their lives. Like I said, she's more than a friend. I wanted to give that back to her. To be there for HER baby like she has been for mine. One day I will...
We've only dreamed of the chance to be pregnant together.. to have a baby at the same time, to watch them grow and play together... to grow up and be best friends maybe.. It almost seemed unreal that we'd both be pregnant with in 2-3 weeks of one another... my 7th, her first. We both lost a dream. We got a trimester together, but so much more was lost.
Becca believes she was having a boy. I believe it too. It just seemed so certain and real that her child was a little boy. Of course we don't know, one day in heaven we'll know.. but I do believe that intuition is right a lot of the time and sometimes I think you are even more in tune to that when the baby does not make it. Almost like a gift God gives you to bring you just a little bit closer to the baby you'll never get to hold. I do think the little one was a boy. They named him Jeshurun. It means "chosen" or "God will rescue the upright one" and it's another name for Israel.
then I find out I am having a little boy the next day. It was such a bittersweet day. While my son's life is just beginning, hers had ended. :( I have a bad case of survivers guilt. Becca is such a wonderful person though and she knows me. In the midst of all this happening she calls me just to tell me that "things don't get to be weird between us". She wants to hear my joys, complaints, everything about being pregnant. I still feel I need to be extremely sensitive to this situation and I probably will not be complaining to her. I also know that while being sensitive I can't push her away. She'd be very hurt if she was not a part of this pregnancy and this baby's life just like she has been for my previous 6.
The whole thing just sucks.
It's awful not knowing how she is doing right now. I don't know if she's crying or in pain. I don't know if she's heavily bleeding. I don't know if she's resting peacefully. I hear things that I need to hear, but I feel so out of the loop. I want to be there for her, but sadly she is just in no position to talk.
This is why my birthday was so bittersweet.. finding out I am having a son... wow... awesome.. but my best friend losing her baby 2 days before and everything she has gone through... it's just so so sad. :(
I will never forget you, Jeshurun Nerestant.
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