I made an appt for Matthew to see an allergist next Wed. His eczema is just out of control. Well, we can keep it under control with steroids.. but that is not good for him.
It's such a hard situation, as a Mommy, to see your baby go through this. It's been close to 4 months and it's not getting better.
To make it even worse, the possible cause of all his suffering, is Benny. :( :( :( I love that dumb cat so much. I don't know why, but it's agony thinking about getting rid of him.. but it's also agony to see Matthew miserable.
Itchy all day long.. little scabs everywhere, flat patches of eczema -everywhere. :(
I am terrified about the appt with the allergist... is Matthew going to be in pain? Is he going to cry when they do the scratch test? I have put off this appt for way too long because I don't want him to be in pain.. but I can't put it off anymore. I am also scared we'll find out it is Benny, afterall.. ugh, my heart... The girls will be devastated, I'll be devastated... and the dermatologist made it sound like getting rid of the cat won't help all that much anyway. He said it might cut down his flare ups by a couple a year. I just wish we knew for sure. I don't want to get rid of Benny just to have Matthew not get better anyway.
We have been praying for him to get better... I feel so alone in this. I wish I knew why God wasn't answering our prayers. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned in this, IDK.. but why Matthew? I just pray that God will give wisdom to the allergist and we'll figure this out once and for all. I wish I could find peace in this.. to know God is soveriegn and that He knows best. Matthew will be healed in God's timing, in His perfect will and I will give him the glory.. I just feel I can't do it anymore.
There is so much guilt there. Whenever I look at Matthew, or go to lotion him up again, or change him into his jammies.. and I see the rash, my heart just throbs. I actually feel pain. Am I doing this to him? Is my selfishness in wanting to keep Benny... an animal that is nowhere near as important as Matthew... is that what is causing this? Pain. Guilt. Tears. Lots and lots of tears. For Matthew and, yes, for Benny. Will we have to put him to sleep? I can't send him off to a family that doesn't love him as much as we do.. a family that doesn't understand that Benny is scared until he warms up to you, but seriously the best cat in the world.. the softest, sweetest most wonderful fur ball ever. What if he's scared? He won't understand why we abandoned him.. he'll be terrified.
People look at me like I am horrible because I haven't gotten rid of him yet. What they don't understand is that I need to know for sure that it is the cat and if it is, that we can't control it somehow and still keep him... we have to know that. Have to. The appt on Wed might actually clear that up. I just hope the Dr doesn't look at me and say, "oh he's allergic to cats. Get rid of the cat. Make the hard decision." What I hear when people tell me that is "you idiot. You horrible selfish mom. Who is more important here.. the cat or Matthew? How can you even think about keeping that cat. That animal. When Matthew is suffering? What's the matter with you?"
Bottom line.. will I get rid of Benny? Yes. If we have to. It will hurt really really bad, but Matthew is way WAY more important. Will I do everything I can to keep that from happening... of course.
Last night was hard.. I cried a lot. I just feel like we are running out of options. I am so so sick of it.
We are giving him fish oil.. I've tried the coconut oil.. I've tried all the over the counter eczema creams, I've tried a homemade ointment that worked wonders for another lady's son... he's been on antihistamines (all of them) and steroids. I just want it to end... God PLEASE help my little boy... he's just a baby, he doesn't deserve this....
Poor Matthew... we've had record high temps this summer and he's stuck wearing pants, long sleeves and thick socks almost all the time. He's always caked in aquafor and his clothes are always greasy.
Breaks my heart when he looks at me and says in his little voice... "I just want to feel better, Mommy." I hear him pray every night, "God please help my rash go away". He asked me if he could go to "God's House" so He could make him better. Do you know what that does to me? I would do anything to make him better.. I really will do anything.... just please don't let it be Benny. :(
I am so so so so so so sorry April :(. I can feel your pain :(. I wish I could help somehow! We had to give up our kitties when Lee developed an allergy to them. He got to where he was wheezing day and night and I didn't want him to have to live on medication, so I know how hard it is to give up a furry friend, even for a good reason. And I spent years lathering Andrew up. He got his first patch of eczema at three months and he still has flare ups although the nightly ordeal has been over for about 18 months now. I know the greasy clothes and the long pants and sleeves and the peeling socks from bloody ankles and the praying, praying, praying. If the Lord doesn't heal him than there is a reason he's going through this, perhaps it's to build character. I don't know :(. I wish I could tell you, I used to just bawl and cry out to the Lord, it hurt my heart soooo badly to watch Andrew going through that. I'm praying for wisdom and strength for both of you....(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThanks. :) You don't even know how much your encouragement helped during that time.
ReplyDeleteHe still has small flare-ups, but it's nothing like before. So, I bet it had something to do with spring/early summer. We'll see what happens next year.